Pitler and Associates
When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn’t want it, there is a clash of wills. There is tension. There is stress.
We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.
When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Be sure to listen to what your mate says so you understand it. Put a good name on it. Acknowledge and understand their negative feelings.
You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you’re telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.
Understand their negative feelings – whatever they are.
“I understand you feel this relationship is hopeless.”
“Yes, from where you are, you feel you will never be able to trust me”.
Just understand, sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they’ve given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
Now, you can’t do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It’s not going to work for you. And you can’t do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did. You’ve got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
Now, this does not mean no contact. If you’re separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief. No serious talk at this time. You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
“When do you want me to pick the kids up?” Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”
These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills. Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. This will take time. It may not bring you back together, but it will remove the conflict. This is the first step.